When was the last time you said or heard "I'm too busy to be in a relationship right now"? In this column, we tackle dating in a culture of "I'm too busy" and we dive into why "what are we" conversations don't have to be scary:
https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2020/02/duke-university-sexual-health-condom-relationship-lifestyle-what-are-we
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A: The short answer: if you are at all uncertain about whether someone is too intoxicated to have sex with you, don’t have sex with them.
The long answer: Most people tend to understand that on one end of the spectrum, an unconscious person cannot consent to sex, and on the other end of the spectrum, a completely sober person is capable of giving affirmative consent. So, what about that in between? Especially when it comes to interacting with someone who you do not know well, it can be very difficult to tell how much alcohol or drugs someone has consumed, and to determine whether or not they can freely consent to sex. You are taking a huge risk that could result in you seriously hurting someone. Therefore, the safest option is to get someone’s number and get together when you’re both sober — the sex will be better anyways ;) And by all means, if you are getting intoxicated in order to better facilitate sex, you may want to reconsider whether you are truly ready and responsible enough to be having sex. A: Talking about sex outside of the bedroom can be a great way to connect with partners and work together to improve your sex life!
First, you’ll need to find a time that works with your schedules to meet somewhere other than the bedroom, obviously. This could mean setting up a “date” — whether it’s at a coffee shop, out to dinner, or just a time to sit down at home — with a partner specifically to have this discussion. Just like you’d ask someone to set up a time to discuss a host of other things, ask your partner if they’d be willing to schedule a time to talk about sex! This might sound awkward at first, but think about your partner(s): if you come at them with sexual questions that catch them off guard, you’re unlikely to have as productive of a conversation than if you mutually agree beforehand. Another option is to ask for permission to engage in a conversation about sex when you’re already together outside of the bedroom — for example, “I would love to discuss a few things with you. Would now be a good time?” and, if they say yes, perhaps let them know the topic — “it’s about our sex life. Is that okay?” — to get additional confirmation before diving in. Again, even if this sounds weird, it’s a good way to make sure your partner(s) are on the same page before you get into the deeper stuff. If you’re not sure exactly how to have this conversation or where to start, there are some resource sheets online that you can print and fill out! If you go to www.o.school and scroll down to the bottom, there are worksheets titled “Build Your Own Orgasm: Vulva”, “Build Your Own Orgasm: Penis”, and “Build Your Own Orgasm: Dirty Talk”. These might be helpful just for thinking about the possibilities of things you might like, or you can fill them out with partners and discuss from there. http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/ynmPDF.pdf and https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/sexapalooza-handout-branded.pdf are some other examples, with more comprehensive documents for exploring and discussing boundaries, words and terms, relationship models, safety measures, reproductive choices, and all different types of sexual activities (physical and non-physical). Again, these can be helpful just for figuring out what you might want to bring up in conversation, or for filling out and discussing with others! Bottom line: it’s great you’re considering speaking with your partner about sex outside of the bedroom. Some people assume it’s unnecessary, unproductive, etc., but for many of us, it can lead not just to more trust with your partner(s), but even better sex. A: Sex can be like types of food. There are some foods I love that other people might hate. There are certain foods that other people are willing to try, while I might not even consider eating them. My favorite type of food can be prepared in different ways, so it might be my favorite thing to order at one restaurant while I might not like it at all at another restaurant.
Unfortunately, there are no objective measures for having the “best” sex. It would be amazing if we could all take a crash course and then have the best sex ever for the rest of our lives, but everybody is different and every person has their own desires and pleasures. A more pleasurable experience oftentimes comes from experience itself -- by learning, communicating, and seeking out what you want. There are many resources available to pick up some sexual tips and tricks that you might enjoy (based on research reflecting what many people seem to like), and you can practice with yourself or with partners to see what feels really good to you. Once you learn some of the things that work for you, practice communicating these desires to sexual partners if you’d like their help in contributing to your pleasure. If making someone else feel good is part of a great sexual experience for you, try having a conversation with them about their desires — and then employ the time and patience necessary to achieve them. No one else can appraise your sexual experiences for you. The best advice I can give is to define what “best sex” might mean for you (this might take some research, and it will probably change and evolve over time!) and put in time and effort towards that goal. A: As a general rule, you and your partner must actively and enthusiastically consent to anything new that you are going to try. You might want to establish consent for a new activity (i.e. using toys, putting your mouth on new areas, introducing BDSM) during sex, which you can do in a way that is sexy and turns you both on. Or, you might want to have a conversation long before any sexual activity. Keep in mind that while some sex activities can happen and be consented to “in the moment,” other new activities might take a little more preparation. These include BDSM and anything that involves toys (you need to go and buy those!), or even anal play, which partners should ease into (butt plugs and anal beads can be great tools for this). After having a conversation, anticipation can make sex more exciting when it finally happens.
There are some great resources you can use to establish boundaries with your partner, such as “The Yes/No/Maybe List,” a comprehensive document that allows both partners to think about a range of sexual activities and clearly communicate whether they would like to try them, would maybe consider trying them, or would definitely not want to try them. If your partner is a “maybe,” on something, ask them about their concerns, and have an honest conversation—of course, remember that “maybe” does not mean, “convince me.” If you don’t feel like printing out this list, you can always make your own. Brainstorming and discussing potential new ways to have sex with your partner can be fun! Proposing new ideas can feel awkward, and you may worry that your partner will judge you for being interested in certain acts. While we always prefer striving for open and honest communication, these concerns are valid. Some online quizzes allow partners to separately indicate sexual activities that they are willing to try and then receive results of only the activities that both partners selected. No need to worry about proposing something you think is crazy—your partner will never see it unless they’re interested too! Finally, if your partner expresses hesitation, respect that. People of all sexual histories may hesitate about certain things, and their doing so doesn’t make them sex negative, repressed, or “boring.” It can help to put yourself in their shoes by considering your readiness/comfort level with trying new things: have you always felt this way? Everyone has a unique timeline, but many people develop kinks and desires for exploration over longer periods of time. Respecting your partner’s own boundaries and not rushing their exploration process is a good way to set boundaries that everyone can be comfortable with. And, of course, honest and clear communication about this is a great step forward. Q: I'm allergic to latex. I know that there are non-latex condoms for preventing pregnancy, but do they prevent against STIs? How can I avoid getting an STI if I have a latex allergy?
A: While most condoms are made primarily out of latex, many people (likely 1-6% of the population) are allergic or sensitive to this material. Fortunately, there are several latex-free alternatives that can still prevent both STIs and pregnancy! Each method has its pros and cons, and a healthcare provider (such as those at Student Health) can help you figure out which option is best for you. The best options include: Polyurethane condoms: Pros: When used correctly, these condoms offer similar levels of protection against pregnancy and STIs as latex condoms. Polyurethane condoms tend to be thinner, stronger, and more resistant to deterioration. They are compatible with both water- and oil-based lubricants. Cons: Polyurethane condoms tend to not fit as tightly as latex condoms. They also tend to be more expensive than latex condoms. Purchase here: https://www.cvs.com/shop/trojan-supra-condoms-lubricated-microsheer-polyurethane-prodid-123684?skuid=123684 Polyisoprene condoms: Pros: These are made of a synthetic rubber, which makes them stretchier than latex condoms, while providing similar levels of pregnancy and STI protection. Compared to polyurethane condoms, polyisoprene condoms are more form fitting, a little thicker, and more resistant to breakage. Cons: Though they are more expensive than latex condoms, polyisoprene condoms cost slightly less than polyurethane condoms. Only water- and silicone-based lubricants should be used with polyisoprene condoms (not oil-based lubricants). Purchase here: http://www.lifestyles.com/condom/skyn-original/ Internal condoms: Pros: These condoms (sometimes referred to as female condoms) consist of a flexible, soft plastic pouch and flexible polyurethane ring, coated with a silicone lubricant. They are inserted into the vagina and offer similar levels of STI and pregnancy protection as latex external condoms. If you are underinsured, you may be able to receive FC2 brand internal condoms at a reduced cost. Internal condoms can increase sexual pleasure. The inner ring can stimulate the tip of a penis, and the external ring can rub against the vulva and clitoris. Since they can be inserted well before sex begins, this can prevent clumsy interruptions. Some people prefer the feeling of the extra breathing room with an internal condom, since they don’t fit snugly around a penis. Internal condoms can be paired with water-based, silicone-based, or oil-based lubricants. Cons: Not everyone prefers the feel of an internal condom. They can also cost significantly more than latex external condoms. Purchase here: https://fc2.us.com/product/fc2-direct-purchase/ Lambskin condoms: Pros: Consisting of sheep intestines, these are the only condoms made of a natural animal product. Lambskin condoms are super thin and can transmit body heat better than latex condoms, so many people like the feel of them (which can feel like no condom at all). These can be used with water-based, silicone-based, or oil-based lubricants. They are also biodegradable. Cons: Unlike the other latex-free options, lambskin condoms can only be used for pregnancy prevention. Tiny holes in the condom can allow viruses that cause STIs to pass through, so you should only use these if both partners have tested negative for STIs and transmission is not a risk. Lambskin condoms can also be more expensive than latex condoms, less stretchy, and have a stronger smell. Purchase here: http://www.trojanbrands.com/en/condoms/TROJAN-Naturalamb-Luxury-Condoms Sources: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/have-a-latex-allergy-4-safe-condom-types-for-you/ https://www.verywellhealth.com/skyn-non-latex-condoms-906782 https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/internal-condom/what-are-the-advantages-of-internal-condoms https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-are-lambskin-condoms-906783 This is an awesome, important question that may not have been widely addressed during O-Week programming for first-years. Student Health offers comprehensive sexually-transmitted infection (STI) testing. You can get blood tests for HIV, syphilis, and hepatitis, and you can get swabbed for gonorrhea, chlamydia, bacterial vaginosis, and more.
For STI testing at Student Health, like any other lab test, you'll pay 20% of the lab fee. The types of testing that are recommended vary based upon your sexual history and symptoms, so be clear with your health care provider about any specific concerns you have. Don’t worry, though—there are ways to get free testing! Know Your Status is a student group that regularly offers free rapid HIV testing on campus. Other student groups, such as Duke’s NAACP chapter, sometimes bring Durham County Health Department testers to campus for free STI testing. Durham County Public Health also offers weekly free, confidential “testing only” visits at which you can get tested for several STIs. You’ll have to get to the Health Department downtown to do that, so make friends with people who have cars or check out Duke’s new Durham shuttle service! Finally, DuWell is another great resource for sexual health concerns. They offer health coaching, programming, and generally help connect students to other resources. If you have more questions about STIs, testing, or literally any sexual health/wellness topic, please reach out to us! You can always ask an anonymous question on our blog or message our Facebook page, and be sure to come visit us during our advising hours at the Wellness Center, between 5 and 8pm Monday-Thursdays! Question: I can't come during sex, and it's not for lack of trying. My boyfriend is very giving and we've tried lots of foreplay (including oral and fingering,), and in the end, I end up plateauing like a beached whale and I don't actually come. This is also true when I've tried to masturbate, use a vibrator, or asked him to use the vibrator. It's getting stressful for me to have sex and not come, which I used to be able to do through combinations of vaginal and oral sex. We did have a stressful couple of months, but I thought we had it worked out. What's going on? What else should I try to relax and enjoy the ride? PASH: Sometimes stress is the thing very thing that can keep you from getting over the edge, so relax! Chances are, so long as you haven’t noticed any other changes with your body (pain, etc.), nothing is medically wrong, so cut yourself some slack and take this time to explore what feels good. It’s clear that you know some things that feel good for your body so sometimes just having no expectations can be the thing you need. It’s great that you’ve been using a vibrator, and there are many other things that you can use to explore like anal toys, lube, or even porn. We have plenty of resources at PASH if you want any more suggestions! Question: So, I am a guy, and I don't know why, but I can't manage to cum in less than 1,2 hours. One time I needed 4 and it might seem great, but it is embarrassing. My girlfriend thinks it is her fault. What can I do to cum faster? PASH: First off, cut yourself some slack! Sometimes expectations on what is “normal” in sex can be the thing that keeps you from reaching that edge, so don’t worry, every body is different. That being said, there are many toys and tools that you can explore with to increase your pleasure, maybe even leading to a quicker end. There are lots of different kinds of lube that increase sensations, not to mention toys specifically designed for people with penises like cock rings or pocket pussies. Make sure your girlfriend knows that this isn’t her fault, and that you can both explore each others’ pleasure in a non-stressful way! |